There were some positive’s too!

Okay my last blog seemed a little depressing.  I was not trying to be focused on Woes Me.  I wrote it to release my thoughts and understand the things that shaped me into thinking I am not worthy.

heal

But in this post I want to also make sure that EVERYONE understand life was not all bad.  There were good times too.

thankful

In David Meine’s Book, “THINK – Use Your Mind to Shrink Your Waistline” he also says that we tend to focus on negative memories and that they have a stronger impression and sometimes our negative thoughts or memories are worse than what that actually were.  Now to be honest I believe my memories are what they are.  I did not embellish.  I probably down played them more than embellishing.  However, I do know that there were good times in my life as well and I will write some of those in this blog.  On page 45 of David’s book, he writes, “because we have a tendency to focus on and even magnify the negative, it is important to consciously focus on what you are doing right, and look for evidence that the past was not that bad or that you have outgrown it and you’re a new person now.  You are now capable of achieving your ideal shape.”  So with that…

Positive memories from my past … one of my favorite memories was on many Sunday’s my family (Mom, Dad, Brother and I) would get Kentucky Fried Chicken and go to a place in our subdivision.  The spot was along the Chattahoochee River and there was a horse stable.  We would enjoy the beauty of the outside and it was great.  Sounds simple, but clearly left a lasting impression on my mind.  So if you have kids, take them to a park and have a picnic.

Another thing to note is that although my life was emotionally difficult we never had to worry about a roof over our heads or food on the table.  Many people have difficult emotional lives and some also have financial difficulties.  My Dad was a hard working man who provided for his family.  We had a great house on the Chattahoochee River, we never missed a meal (lol sounds kinda funny writing that since I have an addiction to food), we had clothes on our backs.  So for all those things I was blessed.

Another memory was when I was like 13ish I really wanted a Commodore 64 computer.  They were expensive, but I asked for one for Christmas.  And to my surprise my Dad got me that computer.  That was so awesome.  I can still remember feeling so amazed and surprised.

As a family we took vacations to Destin Florida.  Such a beautiful place.  I remember one time my Dad lost his key to the car (he never used key chains just single keys).  We all looked for the Key and my brother found it in a pile of sand.  He truly found a needle in the haystack.  We laughed at this.

Every summer my brother and I would go to “THE LAKE”, this was my Little Mama’s house in Tennessee (we lived in Georgia).  My Grandmother was an amazing woman.  I think she is where my strength comes from.  She put her husband through law school, raised 2 boys and was a teacher.  She also taught Math, using hand made puppets she made, on TV in East Tennessee.  She was the Math Wizard.  I used to love watching her shows on PBS.  Every summer she would have my brother and I work on next years Math.  She made it fun.  We would study and then she would say it is time for fun and we went to the boat dock and swam and just had fun.  Love her with all my heart.  She passed away at the ripe ole age of 94.  The one thing I was so grateful for was that God took her while she was sitting in her chair watching TV and eating crackers.  If you gotta go, that is the way, no pain, no suffering, just doze off to sleep.

So as you can see I have lots of Good Memories also.  So the reason for this blog is to say, don’t just look at the negative memories but also the positive ones.  They both shaped and formed who and what we are today.

Cool quote :  We carry so many burdens with us, from our childhood throughout our lives. We carry hurts about wrongs that were done to us. We carry regrets about things we wish we had or hadn’t done. We hide these memories, but the anger and hurt and regret can influence the way we think and interact without our even knowing it. — Robert Alan Silverstein

 

Next blog….Forgiveness….Forgiveness does not equal forgetting. It is about healing the memory of the harm, not erasing it. — Ken Hart

See the Page – Ideal Shape Products – in my blog for a SPECIAL DISCOUNT CODE 🙂 🙂 🙂

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Understanding Me for Me

change your mind

Recently I heard some amazing stories and many of them hit a chord and made some things that I had buried, come to the surface.  While reading, “Think – Use Your Mind to Shrink Your Waistline”, by David Meine, I discovered quite a few things.  One is instead of continuing my method of burring past issues I have never truly dealt with, perhaps I need to look into my past.  Not to dwell but to learn.

From the book, referenced above, “In order to understand how you got where you are today, it’s important to understand how beliefs are created deep within your mind, and how they covertly shape your behaviors and ultimately your body. (pg 34) Also in the book on page 43, it reads, “getting to the heart of our past, and the hold it has on us, is no easy feat.

So I think it is time for me to face my past and I will use this blog to write down these issues so that I can continue on my journey.  Some may ask, you have already lost 188 pounds why do this step now, that is a simple question to answer – because I NEVER want to go back to the way I was.  And when I look in the mirror, even after 188 pounds lost, I still see A FAT PERSON – AN UNWORTHY PERSON – AN UGLY PERSON – and that is really starting to concern me.  Especially when I see a picture of myself – I am so judgmental of myself!  So I am going to try to open up about my past, so that I can deal with it and truly move on.

I have mentioned that I grew up in an alcoholic home.  Because of this there were many traumatic events in my early childhood. And these shaped who I am today and what I think of myself.  My self esteem has always been extremely low.  I understand now that my mother was drunk, and probably did not mean what she said, but when you are a kid and you constantly hear the words, “I wish you were never born,” well that really hurt and caused me to not value my own life.  I mean if my own mom wished I was never born, should I have been.  Still to this day, I can hear my mom speak (or shout) those words to me.

I remember, after my parents got divorced, I went to my mom’s to visit.  That night turned out real bad.  I can not remember all the details as I have gotten really good at burring my feelings and memories, but I remember (I was about 13 or 14) running through the woods at her apartment complex, she was chasing me in her car and yelling at me.  I was trying to hide, to just get away.  I do not even remember how the evening ended, I just remember being so scared and just had this overwhelming desire to GET OUT.

As I grew up, I just did not even care to live.  I remember I would say to myself, “you can’t hurt Little Ma, so hang in there.”  But I really wanted to die, to end it all, I was so tired of the pain I was always feeling.  But I loved my grandmother and could not hurt her, so I continued my life. I would hurt myself on purpose – of course where no one could see, but to be honest the physical pain was so much easier to deal with than the emotional pain. (One day I struggled too much and took a lot of pills with alcohol (I was about 22 yrs old), and wound up in the hospital, being forced to eat the charcoal and getting my stomach pumped.)

When I was also about 10 – 12 years old, I remember I used to take raw bacon and swallow it holding one end and pull it back out.  I was trying to feel the pain of choking, really weird memory, but I did this often.

Most of the clothes I wore as a kid were hand me downs from my 3 year older brother.  Was this because my mom was ashamed of how I looked and did not want to bother shopping for or with me, or because finding clothes at my size was too hard.  I guess I will never know the answer to this question.

{FYI – my mother died in 2000 – due to alcohol related issues}

The talks I would have with my mom, were generally her telling me in great detail about all the “other” men she was seeing (while still being married to my Dad) – this really hurt.  See my mom was a beautiful woman, and I think deep down I did not want to be pretty because of all the in depth details she would tell me and I was most definitely not old enough to hear or fully understand.  She would constantly tell me to lie to my dad.  Saying it is only a “white lie” and those are okay.  My dad on the other hand, buried himself in work.  And he would always tell me to never lie.  Such confusion I had.

The words, I Love You, were seldom spoken or heard in my family.  I “knew” my Dad loved me, he just was not good at saying it.  But when you grow up rarely if ever hearing those words, you wonder, a lot.  People would tell me how my Dad would brag on me, but he never complimented me to my face.  See I was a good kid and a good student.  But I think hearing good things would have been nice.  I think hearing the I love you’s and the I am proud of you, might have given me self esteem.  To be honest it is still awkward today even hugging my dad because again he is not one to show emotion.

For the most part, my Dad worked really late nights.  My mom would fix my brother and I TV diners.  Not the healthiest thing to eat for sure.  But since my dad worked late, she would cook later for him.  After their divorce, my brother and I would cook and eat with dad, and this was often past 9pm.  So eating habits I formed early in life were not good.  I never really learned how to eat.

I did love to eat.  It was another method for me to drown the pain I was feeling.  One summer, I was visiting my grandmother (I was probably 14ish), and was manipulated into something I should have not let happen all for candy bars.  This is a memory that is just too personal to write in detail about, so I will move on….

So to say my childhood was difficult is probably an understatement.  I lived in an environment that my main care giver wished I was never born, I did not hear I Love You, I did not feel loved (I “knew” it but did not feel it), I felt unworthy, ugly, pathetic, vulnerable and just plain crappy.  So what did I do, I ate.  Writing it now sounds like an excuse and I do not believe in excuses, but it was my reality and how I chose to handle that reality.

When I was about 26 years old, my grandmother (on my mom’s side (not my Little Ma)) passed away.  I was sent some boxes of stuff (in error).  I went through the boxes and found letters that Mamaw had written saying how ugly I was.  Ugly and fat.  How I was such a disappointment.  My appearance bothered her so much that when she died, she did not even acknowledge me in her last will and testament. She was wealthy, left my brother well over one million dollars and I was not even a mention… wow…. talk about an affirmation of my worthlessness.

So I am sure I could dig up more issues, but not really sure I want or need to.  After writing this and then reading, I realize that yeah I had a crappy life as a kid.  But I have overcome that and I have done some great things and instead of downplaying how my life has turned out, I am going to tell my self what a great job I did – despite my youth – Instead of my mom teaching me what to do she taught me what not to do and that is okay.  I graduate from the University of Tennessee in 3 years while working 30 hours a week.  I got married and we have raised and amazing young man.  And now I finally started focusing on me, and lost more than half of me so that I could do things I wanted to do.  I do not think I am at the stage of telling myself I am pretty, but I will start trying to tell myself that.  But I am noticing I do have more self esteem lately.  I do not walk in a room and find a place to hide.  While I have always been a confident person at work, in a personal setting I am like Jekyll and Hyde.  Another quote from the book “Think” is “Ultimately, you have to wake up one day and say – Enough! I am tired of the consequences from my negative thinking. I can change my thinking and have a physical manifestation that is my ideal shape.” (pg 19) My friends and family that have spoken and posted such nice things about my transformation are so meaningful to me.  I find myself re-reading to make me believe what they are saying.  I am working on re-training my brain to believe I am worthy, pretty, even beautiful (so not there yet), but the mind is a powerful thing, and in time, I think I might be able to hold my head high and feel good in my own skin.

 

Think Book
Think Book2

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Oh Yeah – Zip Line In October !!!

So excited.  Janet and I are doing this in October!!! Another major thing I can do now that before my weight loss was an impossibility.  This is what I was just given as information on the zip line:

7)    If you are zip lining, here are a few suggestions.  Wear comfortable shorts or pants, and a long-sleeve shirt.  If it is cool enough or forecast to rain, a light jacket would be appropriate.  Long hair needs to be pulled back in a ponytail.  Closed-toed shoes that are not open in the back are required.  Max weight is 250 lbs. and you must be in good health.  You need to be able to comfortably walk ¼ mile, hold both hands above your head and slow yourself using a brake glove (you will be taught how to do this).  A participant agreement will need to be signed before you zip!

This is TOOO COOL — Thanks to the IDEAL SHAPE TEAM/FAMILY for making my wildest dreams come true – Losing this weight has allowed me to LIVE life and I am going to LOVE this Zip Line.  Max weight is 250 — CHECK I GOT THAT EASY…Comfortably walk 1/4 mile – OH YEAH BABY __ Hold BOTH hands –  Definitely – {the before me when I was 355 got tired combing my hair – which is why this is just too freaking cool} –  I got it.  Janet Blair this will be so much fun – thanks for coming with me!!!!

http://highlandscanopytour.com/world_class_zipline/

World Class Canopy Tour Zipline

Download Brochure

Your zipline experience will begin in the lush mountain hard woods of Western North Carolina, near the top of High Holly Mountain located between Highlands, North Carolina and Dillard, Georgia. Our experienced guides will take you on a fantastic journey across 15 elements, including 7 ziplines.  Take the time to enjoy all our beautiful scenery from a unique perspective as you zip.  You will see many different trees and species of plants that only grow in our temperate rainforest.  The lush, virgin, old-growth forest infused with peaks and knolls, whose creeks and springs carve gorges and waterfalls, creates a wondrous natural terrain ideal for this ecologically-inspired family adventure park.  We love our mountain hard woods and know you will too.
Squeling_Mare

Of our seven ziplines our Squealing Mare Zipline is not to be missed. If you are like most of our guests this awe inspiring 1/4 of a mile ride will leave you smiling from ear to ear.  The Squealing Mare reaches a height of 210 feet above the ground with a long range view of the smokey mountains in Western North Carolina that you do not want to miss. This zip is sure to be a favorite!

Read more about “The Legend of the Squealing Mare“.

Allow approx. 2 hours to complete this course.

Minimum Age 10 years old    Weight Limits min 70lbs max 250lbs    Closed toed shoes required

NOTE: In an effort to maximize your safety and eliminate distraction from instruction we do not allow cameras on our courses. All tours will be photographed and videotaped by your guide using a Go Pro camera and will available after your tour.

 

Trip to Park City Utah was Amazing – Compliments of Ideal Shape

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Okay so the trip was amazing.  I met so many amazing people.  First off the contestants – there were 12 and they were all awesome.  Great Stories about their personal weight loss journey.  So inspiring.  There were tears – to be expected as we have all had life altering changes in our weight since finding Ideal Shape. One person was in a Wheel Chair due to back issues and found the Ideal Shape Up (Free Videos – find on Yahoo – created by Ideal Shape) and I saw her doing cartwheels in Park City.  Another lady, has a dysfunctional ticker (heart) – she was told by her doctor she had to loose weight.  She was on other programs and was able to loose a great deal of weight but the last 40 + pounds she needed Ideal Shape and she just finished a 60 mile walk (in like 3 days) for Cancer.  Talk about inspiration.  We also had a married couple, a Professor, a local (David P), Kelli -super sweet lady who has lost over 100 pounds, several East Coasters and more.  All with their own stories and unique perspective.  To see all their stories now you can go to http://www.idealshape.com and lookthem up.  I think in January, the video and photo shots will be available and you can learn more about these amazing folks at that time.The other cool aspect of this trip was that Ideal Shape also invited back 3 past winners of their Ship Shape Contest.  And well that was just awesome.  Julie, Bri, Kate and Ken – were so helpful.  They also shared their stories and wow – just wow.  Kleenex anyone….
Now to Ideal Shape Folks — OMG — I had contact with them via FB and phone, but to meet them in person — wow.  They all SINCERELY care about helping people achieve their Ideal Shape. 
One of the Co Owners – Skyler – he was in tears when he talked about why and where the vision of this company came from.  See, he had grown up a big kid and suffered ridicule as well.  But more importantly was that he said, as crying, that his goal was to reach 1 million people in hopes that they would find the way to start their own Journey and change their lives.  That touch me so — I have made it my goal to get the word out as well. 
The other Co-Owner, Skyler’s Father, David.  What an amazingly smart man.  I have such respect for him.  He also is extremely passionate at helping others achieve their weight loss goals.  He is the Mind Guy – where he advocated using brain training in helping one loose weight.  I had heard of his book “Think – Use Your Mind to Shrink your waistline” but after reading it the other day – wow – wish I had gotten the book earlier (but I will have a whole blog on this book – it is that good).  His foster dad, struggled with weight, being over 400 pounds. David and his Wife, Carla (another amazing strong woman) wanted to find a way to help him, so  that was their reasoning for starting this amazing company – helping others to achieve their Ideal Shape.
I am SOOOO grateful for as I have said before this company, the products and the advise have literally given me a life I have never had before.  I am living life in full view and participation instead of hiding in the shadows.  Make no mistake this is not a miracle pill….there is work, but if willing to change your lifestyle to a healthier you, then the shakes and other items will help you!
Then we have the rest of the Meine family  – most, if not all, seem to work for Ideal Shape in one way or another.  One of the daughters recently lost a lot of weight also using this product – I just thought when I heard her speak in front of everyone – including her Mom and Dad who started this company – to admit to her weaknesses and do something about them….wow — inspiring – had to be hard to …. well I just can’t put my thoughts into words at the moment – But Natasha is simply amazing and strong.
Now I met all sorts of people and I am sure I may miss a few — (kinda harder to write this blog than I thought – ) But Marylin – she is basically the event coordinator – did an amazing job and has a BIG heart; Tyler – the Video dude – is funny and kind; Lindsey – she is the fitness chick and is so full of knowledge I could sit with her for a week or more with a sponge – and she even responds quickly to my messages on what other exercise I should be doing; Meg – is shorter than I would have thought (sorry Meg), she has such a BIG Bubbly personality it is simply contagious.  Lizzy – the writer and took lots of action photo shots as well – super sweet.  I was meet at the airport by, Shelby – again another Rock Star — oh so many — I also got to meet so many other Ideal Shape employees and they were all super nice and helpful. 
All in all my take away from the weekend in regards to Ideal Shape – is they are a family — they truly care about their customers and want to see people achieve their Ideal Shape.  Oh and they like to have fun too – which is very nice to see.

 

 

Goal achieved

I walk/ jog frequently now. One thing I always do is track my distance and time and kinda race against myself. I have been a couch potato for most of my life so this has been a challenge. But one thing I wanted to do is 5 miles in less than one hour. And yes I did it !!!!! To think 16 months ago I had to walk in the shallow end of the pool because I simply couldn’t exercise any other way due to my weight. Yea it felt great to be able to walk 5 miles in less than 1 hour. Next goal – I have no idea. Lol.

9/17/2014 — Update — It has been a while

I have been super busy lately and have not updated my blog in a month.

Anywho — I have now lost a total of 188 pounds since May 27th, 2013 (16 months)

I did find that I needed to EAT MORE – and I have been — averaging about 1800 calories per day depending on exercise.

Super excited for this week and nervous at the same time.  I fly to Park City Utah – compliments of Ideal Shape – for winning the 2014 July Ship Shape Challenge.  Not nervous to fly, just the processes of photo shoots etc.  I am still very self conscious of my weight – current weight as of this morning : 166.8

9.17.14 -- scale

which from where I started at 355 still amazes me.

I do have skin issues to deal with.  I had to buy some nice clothes for this trip and the photo shoots….and well just do not think I look good in a sleeveless dress – due to my wings and skin issue.  Also my skin overhangs from my thighs to my knees — it is what it is.  I am working on toning, but my guess is it will take at least 2 years (if every) to get ride of the excess skin.

Well I gotta get back at it — so hope everyone is having a great day!!!!  Remember what ever weight loss tool you use – keep working it — keep striving — if you hit a Plateau and can’t figure out why – check to see your eating enough — change it up some — YOU GOT THIS – cause if I can ANYONE can.  Promise